Forever Changed
Jack Mazur is a father, pharmacist, author, and eating disorder advocate. He is Vice-President of The Emilee Connection, co-author of Emilee: The Story of a Girl and Her Family Hijacked by Anorexia, and he co-hosts the eating disorder and mental health podcast, Once Shattered: Picking Up the Pieces.
So here we are, another March 18th has passed. Emilee’s birthday. She would have been 42 this year. This is the seventh year we have not been able to celebrate with her.
Grief can bounce around from one stage to another. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance keep dueling it out to see who gets knocked out of the ring for a while. The years pass, people move on with their lives, as they should, and we must move forward too, because our loved one would want us to, but nothing is the same. We are forever changed. And so is any person who has lost someone they love deeply.
For many years, I felt blessed beyond measure with a loving wife and two precious children who we adored. We were a happy, middle-class family growing up together in the era of the 80’s and 90’s. Overall, it was an uncomplicated, busy, beautiful time. Raising our family in that era seems incredibly simplistic compared to today.
That being said, around the time Emilee turned 25, it became apparent that things were changing within her. Our highly educated, social, bright, athletic, compassionate, adult daughter became anxious and was losing weight. Her world began to change and subsequently, our lives began to change too. For the next decade, there were ups and downs no one could have imagined. Emilee tried her best, as did we, but the systems we learned to trust failed her and failed us. The disease/mental illness— Anorexia— ravaged her body, her spirit, and took her life.
I am not in denial about all that happened or her death. I don’t think I ever was.
After Emilee passed, the three of us grieved deeply. I’m not sure if I was depressed or just full of grief and sadness which a pill could not fix.
Fortunately, I did not have to go through this alone. Linda, my loving wife, and our wonderful son Matthew were beside me. We grieved, cried, shared memories and frustrations almost daily in the weeks and months after Emilee passed. Supportive family and friends offered their love, their compassion, and offered tender acts of love and kindness we will always remember.
In some ways, we will perpetually be going through this, re-living the good times and the hard times. It doesn’t get easier. We still feel all the emotions and hear the dueling stages of grief battle on in the mind. Yet, with time and the right support, it all becomes more manageable, most of the time. We carry Emilee in our hearts, every single day.
Since Emilee passed in August 2016, we have been blessed to be able to connect with many people in the eating disorder and mental health community. They are a new segment of “family” who understand eating disorders, and other mental health issues, and how those impacted are affected. These non-judgmental souls have become “Emilee Connections” to us.
Has life changed? Absolutely and forever. Have my priorities changed? Certainly.
Linda and I have accepted that Emilee is gone, however, remembering her bright light, her strength, her compassion, and desire to have her journey shared to help others keeps us from being stuck in grief, and has shaped our path forward. It has become our passion and mission to change this broken system.
Am I still angry Emilee is no longer here? Sometimes I still am, but most of that anger has changed into action. I now understand that the medical community is not educated in eating disorders and that the insurance industry routinely denies coverage for the continuum of care needed for recovery.
Writing a book, recording a series of podcasts about eating disorders and other mental illnesses, and starting a non-profit in Emilee’s honor raises awareness, helps people struggling, and keeps her with us.
Connections, connections, connections, it’s all about connections. People with eating disorders, substance use issues, and many mental health conditions, often disconnect from family and friends, and sometimes from the world in general. If you suspect someone is hurting, reach out. Be a friend. Don’t judge. Don’t give up on them. They need to know someone cares about them. The person you knew before the illness took over their life, is still there. Help them discover that person again.
As parents and as a community, we must continue to climb that mountain to get the changes needed so no one suffers like Emilee and so many others have, and still do. Every 52 minutes someone dies as the direct result of an eating disorder. Every 52 minutes a beautiful life is gone, and the family and friends are grieving their loss. Every organization, whether large or small needs to band together, along with all the small non-profits out there started by parents like us, to honor a loved one, to make those changes happen NOW.
Our voices are LOUDER if we speak TOGETHER as ONE.
Thank you to everyone for your love and support, it makes this journey a bit easier.
I could not do this alone. No one can.
Bless You All,
Emilee’s Dad—Jack Mazur