Who You Are?

Linda Mazur is President of The Emilee Connection Inc., co-author of Emilee: The Story of a Girl and Her Family Hijacked by Anorexia, co-host of the mental health/eating disorder podcast, Once Shattered: Picking Up the Pieces, eating disorder and mental health advocate, and Invitation to Change Facilitator.

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I hear the faint ringing of the telephone in the other room and suddenly my blond-haired, blue-eyed, curly-headed two-year-old, runs as fast as she can to answer it.

“I get it Mommy!” she shouts as she tears out of the room.

I quickly finish changing the baby’s diaper and as baby and I walk into the living room, I see my tiny call screener holding the receiver up to her ear and hear her ask, in her little high-pitched voice “Who you are?”

It’s December 1983, cold records are being set in cities across 29 states from Washington to North Dakota and Florida, and there is lots of snow on the ground in Upstate New York, but it’s warm and cozy and a little chaotic in our humble home with a two-year-old daughter and a baby boy, just weeks old.

There are no cell phones, there is no texting, no social media, no email, no computers in our homes, no navigation in our cars. We read maps and if we don’t read them well, or husbands don’t ask for directions on vacation, we get lost. We worry about the many long-distance calls to family that will rack up our phone bill.

In the suburb of Rochester, New York, where we live, there are two horses that watch us through the fence as we drive by, and their home is the red barn on the corner of our road. Most people can get pizza delivered and have cable television to watch, but the cable connections have not come as far down the road as our neighborhood, and the pizza shops say we are outside their radius for delivery. It’s a tradeoff. We love the horses and the sense of calm they exude as they graze and look up at us as we drive by them.

In other words, our lives are simple, Jack and I come from small towns and humble beginnings, though we have more luxuries than our parents, we are much the same as they are and family means everything.

And now the world is so different.

Of course, we have genes that predispose us to illnesses— physical and psychological. Yet, genes alone do not predict our destiny. The world and our culture have changed drastically in the last few decades and it’s sucking the life out of countless more humans every day. Every human is vulnerable, especially when they are young. After losing our daughter, and our son losing his sister, I can’t help but think back to that simpler time and our little girl, who at two years old, knew who she was. She was Emilee. She was loved. She loved her family. She was smart. And she wanted to know who you were.

From the time Emilee was a toddler, she amused us all with her funny faces and silly antics. She sailed through grammar school, high school, and college. Her smile lit up the room. Yet, she developed anorexia, the psychiatric illness with the highest mortality rate outside of opioid addiction.

While in pharmacy school Emilee began having anxiety issues, and that was the beginning of a tumultuous journey we could have never imagined. Did we miss things before that? I’m sure we did.

Sometimes, those that seem in control and self-assured, are hanging on by a thread, not wanting those who love them to know they are struggling. They are often very compassionate, bright, sensitive people who have much more compassion for others than they do for themselves when they begin to struggle with emotions that overwhelm them.

And I think about the world today, and how much more complex it is, how much more pressure there is on children —from academics and sports—to social media. Covid certainly impacted our young people. There has been a dramatic increase in eating disorders, anxiety, depression, suicides, social anxiety, and substance and alcohol use disorders.

Adults have been negatively impacted too. People want to feel better, but there is shame and stigma associated with all mental illnesses that prevent people from reaching out for help.

I hope that we, as a society, can find compassion for those who have had challenges, suffered trauma and abuse, and also for those who seem to have it all, because if a child or an adult is struggling, we do not know their journey, and we should not judge it.

For those of you who are struggling, try and remember who you were, before you questioned it. Reach out for help because you deserve it. Peers who understand can be a huge catalyst for hope and healing. We all need to be seen, heard, have purpose, and know that we matter.

If you are a parent of a child struggling with a mental health issue or are a loved one supporting an adult family member, please reach out for help dealing with this, learn all you can about the illness, work on your compassion quotient and your communication skills. What we say isn’t always what the other person hears. Peer support helps people feel less alone, they learn from one another and form connections that are cathartic. Sometimes boundaries are necessary in relationships, yet the most important thing in this world is our relationships. Don’t let an illness diminish the love and the compassion. It’s also helpful to keep in mind that taking good care of yourself is modeling self-care for your loved one.

For those who cannot understand—”There but by the grace of God go I.” No family is immune to mental health issues. They are not choices.

No matter who you are or what you are going through, remember who you really are. If you can’t see your own light at the moment, ask someone who loves you.

And believe them!

With Love, Light, and Hope,

Linda Mazur

Email: Linda@TheEmileeConnection.com